Yesterday — Christmas Day — was an odd mix of emotions. It started off with a good amount of drama — I won’t go into the details — and I spent the rest of the day attempting to fully enjoy myself without thinking too much about it. Not for lack of caring or regret or wishing I could make things better… but knowing that I couldn’t do anything more than I had in the moment and trying to put it on hold, at least temporarily. But it still crept in. Wondering how I could have done things differently. Wondering why certain things were said. Wondering what people were truly thinking. Wondering if I had done irreparable damage or, if not, how I could mend things.
I have been trying to be more apologetic and less confrontational lately. It doesn’t always work out. I always have the desire to defend myself. I think this, in itself, is noble… or it can be. But more often than not in arguments, especially with people I’m close to, it does more damage than good. Sometimes — probably most of the time, really — people just want to be heard. They want their emotions validated. They want their perspective understood, or at least an attempt to do so. And it’s hard. But I’m trying.
Yesterday was a good lesson in things not working out, even when they were done with the best intentions.