I’ve been away from this blog for WAY too long. I’ve missed it. I realized that I need an outlet where I can just write and talk about ideas and emotions and passions. And I realized this morning WHY I abandoned the blog so completely. I am always just waiting for perfection.
I started to edit and work on behind-the-scenes photography stuff this morning when I realized I should be cleaning my office instead. It has turned into an absolute WRECK over the past months. There are random things EVERYWHERE — it’s basically become a large closet for, well, pretty much anything we don’t have a spot for — and it’s chaotic. It’s impossible to feel truly focused in here because my eyes are just jumping around the room — there’s a swim schedule on my desk, a box of wedding dresses on the floor, books scattered everywhere, loose pens, Post-It notes practically raining down on me, reusable shopping bags, half empty Poland Spring bottles, extra rolls of toilet paper, empty boxes with the styrofoam still in them, a folded up yoga mat. You get the idea. How do I expect to be motivated to do anything in here when my brain can’t settle?
The problem is that I’ve been holding off because I have this very specific vision for how I want my office to look and I knew that cleaning it really wouldn’t do anything to accomplish that vision. It needs to be painted, furniture needs to be assembled, things need to be purchased, photos need to be hung. It’s completely illogical, but I wanted to wait until I could do it right. An honorable goal, but one that ultimately delays my happiness, and where’s the sense in that? Why have beautiful photos sitting in a pile on my desk when they could be hanging on the wall for me to smile at? While it’s true that I may move them someday, I’d rather have them on the wall in the “wrong” spot than gathering dust in a corner.
That’s what happened to this blog, too. I had a period of time when I could devote the kind of energy and effort into maintaining this blog the way I ideally thought I wanted to. I was keeping a schedule, I was taking new photos, I was creating unique content and… I got lost. I made things so rigid that there was no more room for spontaneity, for passionate entries, for streams of consciousness, for bursts of photos or words or songs. When I realized I couldn’t make it perfect, I gave up entirely and abandoned it. Every day I would see the schedule sitting on my desk — stuck at March 1st — and I’d cringe. The thought of catching up was too daunting, and it was all just a reminder that I had gotten off track, making me feel ashamed and disorganized. I was waiting for perfection.
But that’s not really what I want. Things are rarely perfect, and the best things in life never are, at least not in the stereotypical sense of the word. I would rather do things the way I want, the way that makes me happy and makes me feel creatively stimulated and fulfilled and inspired, rather than letting all of these feelings of guilt and inferiority pile up around me. I would rather write in this blog when I am inspired to, when I am truly jolted to write, rather than stick with a rigid schedule that keeps me locked in a box. I would rather add an entry once or twice a week and let it be “imperfect” than not write at all while I grasp in vain at this completely fabricated perfection. And that’s what I intend to do!